flatreader

My cat Momo has been my best friend for the past six years. They found her on the street with five kittens and I adopted her. I remember seeing her alone in the cage while everyone else was looking at the kittens. She was a timid cat but over the years I became her person and she blossomed so much. Shes nervous around others but with me she’s so confident, loving, silly, and caring. She slept with me every night, baked on me all the time, and had this ginormous floof of a tail. After 6 years she had just started venturing into sleeping with me under the covers. She would greet me everytime I came home from work, I could see she was waiting near the door from my camera. I love her more than anything else.

Last Thursday she was throwing up. I thought it was some sort of negative reaction to some tuna I gave her. I thought it’d stop, as she got it out her system. It didn’t stop and I took her to the emergency vet. She had a linear foreign body and needed surgery. Linear foreign body is much more severe and intensive than just a regular foreign body, as I learned. I sobbed and prayed to a god I don’t even believe in that she would be ok. They said the surgery went well and I was so relieved. It was a piece of floss and they got it all out. I was able to visit her and she even perked up when she finally saw me. She’s the type to really shut down in unfamiliar situations, and hide when she is uncomfortable. Even a 5 min car ride for her is extremely traumatic - she hyperventilates, throws up, pees herself, and shuts down, & medicine doesn’t react well with her. They kept monitoring and she still wouldn’t eat (which would be the signal that she could go home). She seemed to be more lethargic than average. The longer I stayed the more unresponsive she was. I could tell she just wanted to go home, as she’d try to jump out the cage with the little energy she had when I opened it.

Fast forward two days, she’s still not eating. They had to tube feed her. I see she’s breathing hard and they run tests. She has pancreatitis- lots of pain and nausea. More tests. Her lungs have fluid and her heart is swelling. Surgery and IV treatment had exasperated heart disease that was basically so minor it had never been detectable before. Treatment isn’t working.

Her only chance of survival was to send her to a critical care emergency vet that would hook her up to a bunch of treatments and attempt to stabilize her heart. They couldn’t give me an idea on the likelihood of this working as treatment for her heart and her pancreatitis are kind of opposite, and her initial surgery was intensive so that recovery is also a factor. My Momo, she was so dejected and in pain and I wanted so badly to keep fighting for her but it felt like it was for me, not her. I knew all she wanted was to be home, not in a hospital any longer and around a bunch of strangers, and other animals crying. Every time they poked another needle in her I just saw the dull blankness in her eyes grow. I know my Momo, and I knew she hated this and she had already had to be so terrified for the past several days. I also wouldn’t be able to sit by her side at the critical care place like I had done before. The most alive she had been during this whole ordeal was when they let us into a private exam room alone, just us two with the door closed, and I finally caught a glimpse of my Momo still in her.

After talking to the doctor more, I made the most terrible decision of my life to put her to sleep. I feel like my heart is caving out of my chest and a part of me has died. I’m only 28. I had done the math. We were supposed to live a happy long life together. I wasn’t going to worry about losing her until I was about 40. How could I have lost her at just 7 years old? I hate being at my home. It’s empty without her. I’m alone with all her things. It was just me and her together for 6 years. Her automatic feeder went off this morning and no sound of her feet running to eat is killing me. I keep closing my eyes and hoping this is all just a nightmare and that when I open them she’ll be hopping onto my bed asking me why I’m not up yet.

Can someone tell me I made the right choice? I feel so terrible and I just can’t understand how this is real. I feel like I can never forgive myself for this. All I can do is miss her and it hurts so much I can barely breath.

My sweet Momo was put to sleep and I feel like I'm dying.